Vulnerability time with Julie
I've stopped praying.
Not 100% stopped. . .but more or less, it's over. Even when I'm able to choke out a word or two there just isn't any heart in it. And the reason? I can't stand to be hurt again.
I know that sounds strange. But honestly, what else am I supposed to feel? I spend hours upon hours pouring my heart out to God, crying, begging for His healing, His protection, His love to be poured out upon someone I love dearly. I pray for specific things. One night of safety. One specific circumstance to go well. But whatever I do, my prayers remain unanswered.
And each time this happens I feel the incredible pain of disappointment crushing me. I feel let down. I feel ignored. I feel like God's turned his back on me and on my friend. I feel angry. I feel all sorts of things that a "good Christian" wouldn't and shouldn't feel.
And finally I figured it out: if I don't pray, if I don't take the time to pour out my heart and beg for help, it doesn't hurt as much to see the situation remain unchanged.
I still hurt for my friend. I still cry for her, and I still do everything I can do to help her, but somehow I feel like I can survive much better without prayer.
I'm scared to let this out. I'm scared of every possible response, from condemnation to Sunday School answers. But I don't really know what it is that I'm looking for. Maybe I'm just venting. Maybe I need someone to point me back in the right direction. Or maybe I'm just done with God. I don't know.
Not 100% stopped. . .but more or less, it's over. Even when I'm able to choke out a word or two there just isn't any heart in it. And the reason? I can't stand to be hurt again.
I know that sounds strange. But honestly, what else am I supposed to feel? I spend hours upon hours pouring my heart out to God, crying, begging for His healing, His protection, His love to be poured out upon someone I love dearly. I pray for specific things. One night of safety. One specific circumstance to go well. But whatever I do, my prayers remain unanswered.
And each time this happens I feel the incredible pain of disappointment crushing me. I feel let down. I feel ignored. I feel like God's turned his back on me and on my friend. I feel angry. I feel all sorts of things that a "good Christian" wouldn't and shouldn't feel.
And finally I figured it out: if I don't pray, if I don't take the time to pour out my heart and beg for help, it doesn't hurt as much to see the situation remain unchanged.
I still hurt for my friend. I still cry for her, and I still do everything I can do to help her, but somehow I feel like I can survive much better without prayer.
I'm scared to let this out. I'm scared of every possible response, from condemnation to Sunday School answers. But I don't really know what it is that I'm looking for. Maybe I'm just venting. Maybe I need someone to point me back in the right direction. Or maybe I'm just done with God. I don't know.
posted by julie anna at Wednesday, January 18, 2006
7 Comments:
sorry... all I can tell you is I know how you feel....
julie...i don't know really what to say but all i can say is that i will keep you in my thoughts and prayers daily and if i come up with anything biblical or theological, i will let you know, but ya...you'll be on my heart to pray for. hope your doing well, i kinda know what you are going through, it is really easy to not pray and life seems a lot easier, your not disappointed with God or anyone. you just carry on without it and i know that isn't good, its something to work on and to press through. you have hit a stump and in need of finding a way to get up, go around it and start new again. its hard but i will be praying for you. love ya so much, kristi
Awww......I'm heartbroken that you feel this way......wishing I could insert great words of wisdom right here ----> but I don't want to fall into the typical christian pit of throwing bible verses at you, interpreting them and thinking that fixes everything. So I'm just gunna type what I'm thinking and let's see what happens!
Julie, you have such a heart for other people and such a desire to see them healed and not hurting anymore that I wonder if you are receiveing as much as you are giving out? It's so hard to pour yourself out if your not being poured into (by God and by friends) What do you think? You sound tired/thirsty, are you being poured into enough?
Your heart for people is one of your greatest stregnths and it also it seems it's what the Devil's attacking the most, because he knows if He didn't try and stop you in this area than who knows how many things God would use you for to accomplish in his Kingdom! Don't be blinded by the devil's lies!
Ahh sorry, I hope that didn't sound like advice,
Just fyi, If I'm heartbroken that your feeling like this (me melissa a so called empathetic being, the most lacking human being in empathy and all around emotion, other than excitement, Melissa), I can imagie a Father that is even more heartbroken, and longs for your healing even more that we your friends do.
And a random thought, Something I wrote in my Journal when Britt Died
" I've learned something about being a Christian and this whole "hope thing" I used to think that things didn't hurt you when you weere a christian, because of Jesus, because of HOPE, that if they did hurt you, or you were in pain you just didn't have enough faith in God and that you just need to pray or try harder.
But nope, I have now learned that the hope we have in Jesus doesn't take away the pain. No cuz I looked in the Bible and Jesus promises that we will mostlikely be in a lot of pain in life. No so hope doesn't take away pain, It does something else! HOPE gives us the knowladge and stregnth that we will get thru the pain. Sucks for us, seems like hurt and pain will always be in our future, sometimes so much that it may cripple us, but I guess there's "HOPE" "
Julie, more than I'll be praying for your pain to be taken away, more than I'll pray for your friend to be healed, more than I'll pray for your communication/prayer times with God I'm gunna pray for Hope for you! The fact that you could type "maby I'm just done with God" shows something......what I don't exactly know but it's running over and over in my head.
Ok, I'll shut-up now! Please know.......this is hard to type......are you ready for it?.........I don't just give these out like candy..........I love you Julie! and I'll be praying for you/for your friends/for your family. I'll pull doubble time prayers for you for a wile.
hahah this is a long comment, and I could be completely mis-reading your post and gone off the deep end in super-spiritual stuff that doesn't apply to you situation, but hopefuly I'm thinking on the right track? hahah and thus is the skattered life of Dotto! Amazing your all still friends with me!
Ok, Bye friend, see you soon! (Missions fest??)
God Bless!
Dotto~
Julie, I have felt the same way. Not that I have stopped praying in the way you are speaking of, but sometimes the expectency and intensity of my prayers is lowered because it is so hard to be so invested, always. There are many ways to serve the Lord Julie, prayer is just one; they're all important. That's really the crux of it though, isn't it, I mean serving the Lord. What is the option? To live for your best interests... even hedonistically? That is not the huge hearted Julie Partridge I know. You are making a choice between right and wrong, good and evil, and what you think of this message is less important than me telling you that I want you to choose God.
My dear Julie
Im sad to hear that you are feeling that way. I feel that way too sometimes...I get so discouraged and overwelmed with the hoplessness of things. but God always answers prayer. During a sermon a while ago a pastor was talking about God answering prayer he said that "no" is an answer too . God never does anything according to our plans but to His good and perfect will. We cant see the big picture or understand his plans. I dont think this answer is what you really want but I just wanted you to know that God has a reason for the way things are...and I think that the last thing he wants is his beloved child to stop talking to him. some times it helps just to express your discouragement your feelings and helplessness to him.
I hope this helps. give me a call dear i miss ya
I yearn for a heart that cries out for people. For three years I have been asking for a spirit of compassion to break through this calculated reasoning machine. When I first started praying about this in Kaleo, God struck me with overwhelming emotion that literally brought me to my knees, asking me if I am sure I want this cup. That was one of the few times in my life I have been aware of God's power, and at the same time, a horrific amount of pain that is experienced collectively even among a small group of people.
So what's better then, your way or my way. Maybe you're done with God, but I don't think your heart will leave you. I wonder when you don't pour out your heart, where does it go? That's what I wonder, a little seriously with respect to my blood pressure.
I've tried to reason faith and it doesn't work. Only faith begets faith, and only God can say there is a God. I think pleasure is nice and definitely should not be neglected, but doesn't provide me with a remedy for pain. I've experienced something that can deal with pain, heal pain, and lead back into joyful celebration. That is the only way I would possibly continue to ask for a heart that can feel like yours does. So, if you won't shoot me, I will daresay that you have a gift. I've always enjoyed hope, and don't realize how much until I find it missing.
Dare to love
I randomly came across this very cool blog today, and I feel a little bit nostalgic. Throughout your Kaleo year I received many many letters about all of you, almost to the point where I thought I actually knew you guys and even to the point where you'd show up in my dreams. It's like I've gone back to reading a series of novels about a bunch of fictional characters that apparently actually exist in real life.(I have proof) But what astonishes me the most is hearing how much you care about sharing and learning from each other, and how much you're able to encourage one another. Just reading your responses to Julie's pain blows me away, espcially when her other friends, like me, fail to pray and encourage.
It seems like you've hit the bottom Julie. But you are brave and the very fact that you are turning to people you love for support shows that in you there still exists some faith and hope. (and of course, to reiterate what all these cool Kaleo people have said, you are never lacking in an abundant stream of love.) I'm probably the crappiest person at giving advice, as I've discovered I'm not much of a compassionate person either, and well, my advice/thoughts usually come out rather akwardly. But if there's one thing that I'm absolutely certain of, it's that although you may have stopped stuff on your end, God definitely has not on his end. God works in the mysteriest of ways, and although it may seem like He doesn't care, He does. And I cannot even imagine the kind of pain that it must be to pray to a seemingly merciless God, and if anything, I'm sure He's just sad that He can't show you or tell you what He is going to do. Your prayers are not worthless. Just like we all love to hear from our loved ones, He's so desires to hear your voice, and I'm sure it's killing him to not be able to give you the inside scoop on whats going down. God is working. God doesn't just work in mysterious ways... He works! It reminds of a little girl with cancer, who knew that God was waiting to heal her until He could do it so that when He finally did, all the people and the churches praying for her would recognize it as work of the mighty hand of God. I am so confidant that God has a plan. Thats the only thing that keeps me going most days, knowing that He's got a plan. And although it may be the most wacked-out, crazy-saturated, seemingly absurd plan there is, it's still a plan.
Although you may be not feeling the love of God, please feel it through your friends. We love you.
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